Hello beautiful people!
So even though I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I’d be sharing my friend-with-benefit story soon, I didn’t think it would be this soon. When I searched my heart for a message to put out today, this is the one that stood up and raised its hand high, much to my mortification. Honestly, I really didn’t want to write this today because it’s not a story I’m proud of but you know when you just can’t get rid of something that weighs so heavily on your heart? In real time, I spent about 20 minutes(or more) stalling and contemplating if I should go ahead, I even asked my husband if he thought I should and since you’re still reading this then you know what the answer was. Let’s jump right into, shall we?
…they know that my, bust it, baby
Everybody know that’s my, bust it, baby…
– Bust It Baby, Plies x Ne-Yo
This song puts me right into the situation I want to talk about. It was my jam! I thought I was so cool back then, singing it and referring to myself proudly as his bust it baby when in reality, I was just a friend with benefits, popularly known as a fuck buddy. I’m just looking at myself then and shaking my head now.
I had convinced myself that we were really good friends who would always be there for each other but what I didn’t realize was that this kind of friendship was a ticking time bomb, it was bound to have a messy end. What was it that made me accept this dishonorable lifestyle instead of a proper godly, loving relationship and courtship? I’ll tell you. I was very confused about a lot of things in life at that time, I didn’t know who I really was or why I was here on this earth. I had nothing going on for me, no job, no money, I didn’t know which direction my life was headed in and I was going through some serious family issues. I had a gaping hole in my chest and was just desperately looking for ways to fill it. I was lost, disturbed, I had unmet needs and I just wanted relief. You know how people turn to alcohol and drugs to forget their problems temporarily? As crazy as it may sound, this was my booze, my high, my escape. In those moments of pleasure, I couldn’t think of anything else and you know how short-lived that effect is, leaving you wanting and going for more so that you can keep forgetting and then it becomes a never ending cycle leading to a full blown addiction.
I am baring my soul like this in the hopes that someone somewhere would read this and understand that there is no future for such a friendship. Why are you great for the bedroom only but not the public? I’m not referring to ladies only in this post because I know some really great guys who have been subject to this. It is almost unkind to put yourself through this, as though you could never find a partner who would be proud of you enough to date you publicly. You don’t deserve to be hidden or confined to the bedroom only, you don’t deserve to be summoned as and when for sex only, you deserve to be dated and courted and everything that comes with it. If you want flowers and cards, you deserve it. If you want to be lavished with gifts and sent cute texts, you know what? You deserve that too. If it’s movie dates you want or to travel together, you definitely deserve it and can have that. You deserve whatever you desire because you are worth it, child of God! What you need to do is to let that person know exactly what you want and how you want to be loved, and if they truly love and cherish you, there would be no excuses.
If a person tells you they are not interested in dating you but constantly wants to hit it for free, my dear brother or sister, walk as far away as you can from them. You can’t sit in your house and summon the child of a King to leave the palace and come to yours just to ‘service’ you. Do you see the disrespect here? Are they not rather supposed to come to the palace? When you begin to see yourself as royalty, you won’t accept any treatment less than what is due you. Let’s demand for things to be done the right way, beloved. I don’t know how many friends-with-benefits situationships have ended in marriage but I do know a good number of people who have been left hurt, broken and disappointed because of this. There is really no happy ending here, don’t let anyone deceive you. If they can commit to having sex with you every single time it’s scheduled, then they can be in a committed relationship with you.
Assess yourself and find out what you really want and don’t want in a relationship, you can list it boldly in a little book (I did this & hubs met each standard without even knowing!) and stick to your principles. Don’t let anyone tell you your standards are too high or you are too principled, as long as God approves, none of those would stop the right person. And let the knowledge that you are loved so dearly by God and that you are a child of the King guide your every move in your relationships. Always remember, you are marriage material, not mattress material!
If you’re currently going through challenging times and you’d like a listening ear, some encouragement or motivation, please contact me here: firstname.lastname@example.org