Hello beautiful people!
I held off the post I was preparing for today to put this one across instead, due to a conversation I had with a dear sister earlier. I actually wanted to post this two days ago but I’m not going to lie, reading it again took me back to the very day I first wrote it; I could feel all the things I was feeling then, I saw the rawness and realness of it, I felt the confusion and just how disturbed I was, then I refrained from posting it.
However, I know that what I’ve been through is definitely going to help someone and I don’t have to hold back any part of the story, so here goes:
5th May, 2013.
Its 5th May, 2013…I have less than 25 days to complete Uni and I’m totally lost.
I’m at sea.
I don’t have any idea what to do with my life after I’m done here.
I don’t know where to start from.
I’m totally blank and fully relying on someone else to provide all the answers to my life.
Which is so wrong (?) and I wish very much that it was not so
I feel like an unguided toddler in the mall, who does not know which way to go or which turn to take.
I feel like I could blame some people for this loss of sense of direction, but then I also think of what I can do for myself.
I’m supposed to have figured out a lot of stuff about my life after school by now but here I am; blank and clueless as to what I really want.
Today I was asked: “Where do you want to work?” and I replied “I don’t know.”
Not because I’m not serious in life, or I have no aim/ambition, actually what I want for myself is a bit overly ambitious, but because at this point in my life, I truly do not know.
I guess to some, I sound weak, not serious and aimless, but I wonder if anyone has ever experienced what I’m going through.
I don’t have much time, I need to do some soul searching, as I was told today, to figure out what it is that I really want to pursue, what would bring me joy, satisfaction and most importantly, money.
What I love to do? Easy. First thing that comes to mind is writing.
But does writing give the kind of money I desire? In this precious country of ours?
It doesn’t look like it from where I’m looking.
What I really want to do seems almost impossible, unless I do it as a hobby or find someone/people who believe in me enough to pay me to do what I desire.
What if I’m not interested in the regular things?
Is there a way out for me?
I need to find a way out.
Oh my darling Dzifa! I’m actually a little teary right now. I just want to give my 22 year old self a bear hug and rub her back. Who told me I needed to have my life all figured out by then? At least I knew I wanted to write for a living but why was I so focused on money?! I can understand myself though, having a single parent, I sure didn’t want to burden her any further financially after all we had been through. Why did I think I didn’t have much time? Why did I feel so pressured to make a lot of money? I was so lost and confused, and the person I was having these conversations with wasn’t helping me much. I had so many wrong ideas put into my head at a time when I needed someone to hold my hand and guide me through this state. I remember the impatience, the frustration with which I would be asked if I still didn’t know where I wanted to work and I’m just thinking now, did it have to be about WHERE I worked or WHAT I actually did for a living. Was it about my passion, what I really wanted to do or was it just about a place to work?
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people, especially in your trying moments. Any wrong advice could send you spiraling down a wrong path. At this point in my life, it looked like I had to do something, anything just for the money but thank God I was not desperate; I would probably have been telling a different story by now.
4 years later, I still don’t have it all figured out but the difference here is that I have someone who has got it all figured out for me. I have a Father whose plans and ways are perfect, so I’m just here trusting Him every step of the way, no matter how it looks. I’m a very orderly person, I’m big on planning every little detail of my life so letting go and trusting God completely was and still is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but it has also brought me so much peace! No more anxiety or stress, no more worrying about my next 5 or 10 years, not even my tomorrow because God has got it covered. He’s in the driver’s seat of my life now. I used to battle with anxiety but letting go and letting God has truly set me free.
I’m sharing this today to encourage anyone who thinks or feels like they’re a failure because they are not where they want to be yet. Please let go of any preconceived notions that you need to have your life figured out by a certain age; there is no law or rule that states that. Take your time, get to know yourself, explore all your skills, talents, ideas and possible avenues and enjoy every bit of the process! Don’t let anyone belittle you like they did me or make you feel some type of way because you haven’t attained what they consider as success; have your own definition of success. Remember, life is not a race and even if it is, we are all on different paths racing to different destinations. Take it one day at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself through your struggles because the greatest testimonies are going to be birthed out of them.
God loves you so much and He’ll definitely see you through all your trials and struggles, just keep trusting Him!
If you’re currently going through challenging times and you’d like a listening ear, some encouragement or motivation, please contact me here: firstname.lastname@example.org