Hello beautiful people!
Let’s jump straight into story time, shall we?
It’s late at night; he’s sleeping and I’m sitting in the couch wondering why on earth I’m with him and what I’m doing with my life. I don’t love love him, in fact, I’m not in love with him at all. I think I just like the idea of being with him. I like having someone who looks after me and looks out for me, someone I can spend quality time with and a place I can call my hideout. When I look at him sleeping, I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I don’t feel flutters in my belly and the love-struck emoji doesn’t appear in my eyes. So what really am I doing with him? I know deep in my heart that this is not long term, I know it won’t last, I actually don’t want a future with him because I have this unsettling feeling about him but I’m here anyway. Some of the things he tells me about himself don’t add up so I’m wondering what to do. Hmm… he’s sleeping now and I’ve seen his passcode a couple of times when he’s entering it in; should I check his phone? I’d probably find out everything I need to know to make my final decision. I wake him up to go and sleep in the bedroom but he leaves his phone in the living room. I follow him and lay by his side for a few minutes, making sure he’s fast asleep then I go and put my plan in action.
Phone unlocked, I go straight to WhatsApp messenger. I know her name so I’m going through the chat list trying to see if I’d find it. I don’t even stop to wonder if there could be any other information I’d find; this is the only thing I want to know. Oh yeah, there it is. I knew he wasn’t being honest! I scroll all the way to the top and start reading conversations from months ago. I’m finding out a lot of things I don’t really want to know but I keep reading anyway. I’m a fast reader so I get to the bottom really fast and because I don’t like what I see, I go and wake him up. I confront him about the things I’ve read; “But you never told me this!” I exclaim in frustration. He had been lying to me about this all along. “Babyyyy, it’s not what you think it is,” he says in that deceptive drawl. (Yeah people actually say that lame ‘it’s not what you think it is’ line in real life, it’s not only in the movies.) I go on and on and he tries even harder to convince me, yeah he has an explanation for everything even though it doesn’t fully make sense. I grab my stuff however, I don’t want to stay. He’s begging me to believe him but I’ve made up my mind. I walk out and he follows me closely, asking me to understand him. I’m so upset, wondering how I could have fallen for this deception, wondering what was wrong with me. He’s talking but I’m not even listening, I’m just walking as fast as I can, looking for a cab to take home. ‘He must think I’m an idiot’, I mutter to myself, shaking my head. I’m so hurt and I want to walk as far away from him as possible, but he won’t stop following me and explaining himself, so I stop the first cab I see and sit inside without even telling the driver where I’m going. He’s still standing there as we leave, probably cooking up the perfect story to tell me when he sees me again and that story must have been really perfect because I hear it and fall right back into his arms, like I never left.
He had been lying to me. He still had a relationship with someone he said he was done with. He said he wanted to marry me but he was not ‘ready’ to make a move towards that; he sure was ready and willing to enjoy marital benefits though. I believed his concocted stories, flimsy excuses and half-hearted apologies but I’m not going to blame that on him, I chose to believe them no matter how crooked they sounded. I had no business checking his phone. In a healthy relationship, you both trust each other so there are no doubts, no raised eyebrows and certainly never the need to go through your partner’s phone. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t walk out sooner. All the signs were there, I didn’t need anyone to tell me what the writing on the wall said but I just felt so stuck. Why didn’t I leave him then? Was I afraid of being by myself? Did I not think I could find anyone better? Or was my judgement being clouded by the sex? I’ll tell you what, the sex had a major role to play in this.
Before I go into that, let me just say how glad I am that celibacy in relationships/courtships is becoming really popular now in a world where sex sells. We have our very own Akumaa Mama Zimbi, much respect to her, promoting her ‘Wear your dross now’ campaign, DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good with ‘#thewait’, Heather Lindsey, Adara Butler and many others who emphatically proclaim how important it is to wait till you are married before you start performing marital duties; and this is not just to the ladies. Honestly, this is not a very popular topic to talk about. People will rather listen to you speak about how they can be blessed, have breakthroughs or bind witches but they don’t want to hear anything against pre-marital sex. I’m not even going to go in on the spiritual side of it.
Now while a lot of people have had successful relationships with pre-marital sex tucked away safely under their belts, in my opinion and experience, there is nothing purer than a relationship that is not held together only by sex. Sex was used to resolve a lot of issues which should not have been swept under the rug in that scenario I described. The only thing that was keeping us going was the sex, without it we had nothing and that, my friends, is not a proper relationship. What kind of conversations do you and your partner have outside of the bedroom, if you even have any? What are your visions, goals, dreams? Are they somewhat in line with your partner’s or do they sharply contradict theirs? How do you want to raise your children? What can you both do to make an impact in your society? Or are you just together for fun? The root of many of the marital problems I’ve heard can be traced to the dating/courtship period; there was not enough communication as there was sexing. When they should have been discussing hard issues, they were busy between the sheets so a situation comes up later in their marriage and it totally throws them off balance. Red flags and warning signs are always there, we just choose not to notice, or we do notice but overlook them, thinking it might get better with time. The biggest mistake you can make is to think someone would change after you marry them; marriage doesn’t change anyone, it only reveals their true nature and exposes to you even more sides of them that you might not have known.
Take sex out of the equation and all you have is time. Time to engage in other activities that help you know your partner better and time to talk. Talk, talk, talk, that’s all I did with my then boyfriend, now husband and it’s what I still do when I’m not with him. We really underestimate the value of communication in relationships. Talk about everything under the sun, ask all the questions that come to mind, and if something comes up in his/her absence, write it down somewhere and ask/talk about it when you see him/her. I’m not much of a talkative (I had to learn to talk!) and I used to think we would run out of things to say but believe me when I say that never happened, something would always come up. There are so many important things you have to discuss if you’re looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, things that need to be talked about with clarity of mind, not under the influence of sex because let’s be honest, sex does give you that lovey-dovey feeling. You’d be feeling all loved up, imagining how wonderful the rest of your lives are going to be together then you wake up years later with the same person and wonder why you even married them in the first place. There is nothing more disheartening than hearing of marriages that are 2 years or below, breaking up.
In my friends with benefits (read about it here: Friends with Benefits) situation, that guy got upset with me whenever I didn’t want to give it up and when I finally decided to call it quits, he got really mad at me and didn’t speak to me again, which was actually for my own good because like Devon Franklin said, a man cutting you off over sex is a blessing, that tells you he wasn’t your husband.
I’ll tell you another thing, if you are deeply involved in sexual relations with your unmarried partner, getting out of that and staying celibate is one of the hardest but best things you’ll ever put your body and mind through. Your body and mind will fight you constantly but you have to show them who is boss. Surround yourself with people on the same journey as you, those who will motivate and encourage you when the going gets tough. A couple of friends and I named ourselves ‘most virgins’ which was an irony because none of us were virgins but we were all practicing celibacy in our various relationships. Decide to do this for yourself and your future spouse, commit to it and see it through. It’s not the easiest thing to do but the benefits are priceless.
Always remember how much your daddy God loves you and also if you are looking to be a godly spouse, remember you are marriage material NOT mattress material. Take your love out of the sheets and into the streets.
Please do contact me when you make that decision to go celibate, I’m always here if you ever need to talk: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Facebook.com/DeVon Franklin